急！！求英文笑话...带中文翻译...

第一个
A wise teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything that your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

一个聪明的老师在学期开始的第一天给所有的学生家长发了这样一条信息：“如果您们能够承诺绝不相信任何你的孩子所说的关于学校的事，我就也会承诺不会相信他说的关于家里的事。”

第二个

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

有一天，一个男人在沙滩上散步，发现了一个半掩在沙子中的瓶子。他决定打开它。里面住着一个精灵。精灵说，“我允许你许三个愿望，只有三个愿望哦。”男人想了想他的第一个愿望，然后决定说，“我想要将一百万元钱汇到我的瑞士银行账户上。”“嘣！”于是男人又许愿要一辆红色的法拉利。“嘣！”一辆车出现在了他的眼前。他开始许他最后一个愿望：“我想要所有的女人对我无法抗拒。”“嘣！”他变成了一盒巧克力。

第三个，
There was ice on the road, and the doctor's car hit a tree and turned over three times.To his surprise, he was not hurt. He got out of the car and walked to the nearest house.He wanted to telephone the garage for help.The door was opened by one of his patients.
"Oh,Doctor,"she said, "I have only just telephoned you. You must have a very fast car. You have got here very quickly indeed. There has been a very bad accident on the road outside. I saw it through the window. I am sure the driver will need your help."

由于路面上有冰，医生的车撞上了树，然后又滚了三滚。让他惊讶的是，他竟然没有受伤。他离开了车，走到了最近的一家房前，想打电话给汽车修理厂寻求帮助。没想到开门的人竟是他的一位病人。
“哦，医生，”她说，“我刚刚才给你打了个电话。你一定有一辆速度很快的车。事实上，你来得也太快了吧。我打电话给你是因为我刚刚透过窗子看到马路上发生了一起非常严重的交通事故。想说那个司机一定非常需要你的帮助。”

希望可以帮到你，如果还要的话，我还有很多。

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."

The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.
"Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.
"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.
"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.
公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.
"喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道.
"车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说.
"但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!"那位男士说道.

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

不要欺负老外不懂中文
大学时，一次我们同学几个去上选修课，做好之后，前排来了一个非洲哥哥，剧黑。我一同学顺口而出："真他妈黑"，不想老外回头就是一句："真他妈黄"
我们当场暴倒。

我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外："hello，你妈是猴儿。"
老外用纯正的天津话说："你妈是大猩猩！"

两个女人和一个外国男子一起坐电梯，一个女的见到那个老外的胸毛很长就对另外一个说，你看这老外的胸毛好性感啊。谁知那老外突然回答说：谢谢！

记得有一个表弟跟我说，他在北京西站上班的时候，有一外地同事。指着一个黑人大声用不太标准的普通话嚷道："快看，那个黑人黑的可真解气！"
就见黑人挥气拳头，用比那个同事更标准的普通话威胁道："小子，欠揍是不是？"
表弟同事顿时气绝......

恩，这事我也经历过，偶和偶女朋友在旱冰场玩，我女朋友屡屡摔倒，我就说："猪啊，你看那边的外国美女，比你高多了，划得多好。"结果她划过来，"谢谢帅哥夸奖。"晕，我急忙用英语说了一句："notatall."

上次在五道口吃饭，排队拿菜的时候听到一堆老外讲西班牙语，就随口跟我朋友说，语言学院西班牙学生还挺多的嘛！
结果一老外回头说"我不是西班牙的，我是哥伦比亚的，分辨不出南美口音和西班牙口音，说明你的听力还没过关。"
之后就着盘子大摇大摆的走了，留下我和我朋友傻在那......
有次俺爹爬长城，走着走着看见一高大白人坐在台阶上。俺爹跟周围人说："看那个老外没劲爬啦。"
那白人说："我歇会不行么？"
文章摘自 漂泊者

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
完美儿子
A:我有一个很完美的儿子.
B:他抽烟吗?
A:不抽.
B:他喝威士忌酒吗?
A:不喝.
B:他会不会很晚回家?
A:不会.
B:我想你确实有一个完美儿子. 那他多大了?
A:下个星期三就满6个月了.