笑话
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
短文
My family
I love my family, because I have a happy family. My father is an English teacher. His name is Jacky. He is thirty-eight. He likes playing basketball. What’s my mother job? Is she a teacher? Yes, you’re right! My mother is very kind and nice, she is thirty-seven. My mother is always laborious work. I love my parents! On Saturday and Sunday, I often go to the library and play the piano, My father go to play basketball. Sometimes, we watch TV and listen to music at home. I love my family. Because I’m very happy to live with my parents together!
我的家庭 我爱我的家庭,因为我有一个快乐的家庭. 我的爸爸是一名英语教师,他的名字叫Jacky.他今年38岁.他非常喜欢打篮球.我的妈妈是赶什么呢?她是一名教师吗?是的.你说对了!我的妈妈是一个很亲切、友善的人,她今年37岁.我妈妈总是勤劳的干活.我爱我的父母. 在星期六和星期天里,我经常去图书馆和弹钢琴.我爸爸去打篮球.有时侯,我们都在家看电视和听音乐. 我爱我家.因为我和爸爸妈妈一起生活得很开心!
My Room
This is my room. Near the window there is a desk. I often do my homework at it. You can see some books, some flowers in a vase, a ruler and a pen. On the wall near the desk there is a picture of a cat. There is a clock above the end of my bed. I usually put my shoe under my bed. Of course there is a chair in front of the desk. I sit there and I can see the trees and roads outside.
我的房间
这是我的房间。 在窗口附近有一张书桌。 我经常在那做我的家庭作业。 您能看有些书，有些花在花瓶里，一把格尺和笔。 在墙壁在书桌有猫的图片。 有一个时钟在我的床上的末端。 我通常把我的鞋子放在我的床下。 当然有一把椅子在书桌前面。 我坐那里，并且我能看外面的树和路
Skating
Mom bought me a pair of skating shoes at my fifth birthday. From then on, I developed the hobby of skating. It not only makes me stronger and stronger, but also helps me know many truths of life. I know that it is normal to fall, and if only you can get on your feet again and keep on moving, you are very good!
滑冰
妈妈买了我一双冰鞋鞋子在我的第五个生日。 从那时起，我爱好滑冰。 它不仅使我越来越加强，而且帮助我知道生活许多真谛。 我知道摔倒是正常的，并且，如果只有你能摔倒后再站起来，就是非常好!
The Sea
What do you know about the sea? Some people know about it, but others don’t. The sea looks beautiful on a fine sunny day, the sea is very big. In the world, there is more sea than land. Do you know Hainan Island? It’s really very nice. We can see beaches, trees and the sea. We can swim and visit a lot of beautiful places.
海
你对海知道些什么？ 某些人知道关于它，但其他不。 海看起来美丽在一个美好的晴天，海是非常大的。 在世界上，比土地有更多海。 您是否知道海南岛？ 那非常好。 我们能看海滩、树和海。 我们可以游泳和参观很多美好的地方。
Computers
Computers are changing our life. You can do a lot of things with a computer. Such as, you can use a computer to write articles, watch video CDs, play games and do office work. But the most important use of a computer is to join the Internet.We don’t need to leave home to borrow books from a library or to do shopping in a supermarket.
Computers help us live a more convenient life.
计算机
计算机改变我们的生活。 您能做很多事用计算机。 例如，您能使用计算机写文章，手表录影CDs，戏剧比赛和完成办公室工作。 但对计算机的最重要的用途是加入Internet.我们不需要离开家去从图书馆借用书或在超级市场做购物。
计算机帮助我们居住更加方便的生活。
Smiling
I think smiling is as important as sunshine. Smiling is like sunshine because it can make people happy and have a good day. If you aren’t happy, you can smile, and then you will feel happy. Someone may say, “But I don’t feel happy.” Then I would say, “Please smile as you do when you are happy or play with your friends happily. You will really be happy again.”
Smiling can let you have more friends.So I say, smiling is like a flower. It will give you happiness.
微笑
我认为微笑是一样重要的象阳光。 微笑是象阳光，因为它可能使人愉快和有一个早晨好。 如果您不是愉快的，您能微笑，您然后将感觉愉快。 某人也许说， “但是我不感到愉快”。 然后我会说， “请微笑，您，当您愉快地是愉快或戏剧与您的朋友。 您真正地再将是愉快的”。
微笑可能让您有更多朋友。如此我说，微笑是象花。 它将给您幸福。
Sunday
It was Sunday and I didn't have to go to school. I finished my homework the day before. So I decided to help mother do housework. I washed some clothes after I got up. Then I went shopping with a basket. I bought some meat, eggs and some vegetables in the market. After I came back, I started to cook dinner for the whole family. In the evening, I sat at the table and began to write down on my notebook what I had done during the day.
星期天
它是星期天，并且我没有必须去学校。 我前一天完成了我的家庭作业。 如此我决定帮助做家事。 在我起来了之后，我洗了一些衣裳。 然后我带着篮子去购物。 我在市场上买了一些肉、蛋和有些菜。 在我回来了之后，我开始为全家烹调晚餐。 在晚上，我在我的笔记本写下什么我白天做了什么。
春天：Spring
Spring is a delightful season. The temperatures are moderate, and the blooming trees and flowers make the city bright with colors. This is the time when we can begin to wear lighter and more brightly colored clothes and go outdoors more often. Smaller children like to bring their kites out to the spacious square. Also I enjoy going back to the village on this holiday after being in the city for the winter months.
春天是个让人欣喜的季节.气温适中,挂满绿叶的树和盛开的花朵给城市增添了明亮的色彩.在这个时节里,我们可以穿上轻便靓丽的衣服经常出门去了.小孩子们则喜欢在广阔的天空中放风筝.在城里呆了一个冬天之后,我也喜欢回到村子里度假.
夏天：
Summer is the great season for all sports in the open air. It is the season for football which is often called the national sport because of its popularity. I usually watch television and read the newspaper reports about the football results of the little leagues. During the summer I like to go to the beach often because it is very close to my home. I usually go there during the summer vacation to relax after many months in school in the city. I feel very comfortable with the familiar quiet life of the villagers.
夏天是户外运动最好的季节.这是一个橄榄球的季节,橄榄球由于广受欢迎被称为全民运动.我常常看电视,看报纸,从报道中获得小联盟橄榄球赛的比赛结果.夏日里,我喜欢经常去海滩,因为那里离我家不远.在城里的学校呆了几个月后,暑假我常常去那里放松一下.此处有我很熟悉的村民们的宁静生活,这让我倍感舒适.
秋天：Autumn
For me the autumn or fall starts in September when school starts its new term. I usually do some shopping. The mild weather made it very nice to study outside under the trees in a small park close to my house. I like to look up the leaves changing colors from green to red and yellow, and then brown colors. The park also has many bright fall flowers; sometimes I see a small squirrel coming down from the tree to hunt for food on the ground. On the weekends, I sometimes like to fly my kite. Usually on the street corners you can see street peddlers selling warm baked sweet potatoes. This is a nice time of the year.
我觉得秋天是在9月份新学期开始的时候来临.我常常要去买一些东西.宜人的天气让我感觉在离家不远的小公园的树下学习是件非常惬意的事.我喜欢抬起头看蓍枝头上的树叶由绿变红,变黄,然后再变褐.公园里还有许多鲜艳的秋花.有时我会见到小松鼠从树上跳到地上觅食.在周末,我有时会去放风筝.在街头的拐角处,常常会有街头小贩在卖烤红薯.秋天是一年中的好时节.
冬天：Winter
Winter is very cold and windy in most parts of China. I usually look forward to the Spring Festival and the winter holiday when I can go to the south where the climate is warmer during these holidays. Also, I look forward to seeing my grandparents and my friends. Winter is the time everyone is in a festive mood. In the city, I usually do a lot of reading at home in the winter because of eh cold weather outside.
中国大部分地区的冬天是即冷又有风的。我总是盼望着春节或寒假，到时候我就可以去南方了，当地的气候在这时会暖和的多。我也盼望着去探望我的祖父母和我的朋友。冬天，每个人都怀着喜庆的心情。在城里，冬天的时候我经常待在家里尽情地看书，因为外面的天气非常的冷
(一)
一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？ 监考官回答：right. 于是他立刻向右转。很抱歉他只有下次再来。
（二）
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too. 某人听后又道：I am sorry three. 老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
(三）
某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。 该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week“。 签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“ 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“ 男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.“
（四）
传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞错了，把克林顿送上了天堂， 而把教皇送入了地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来，路上二人相遇。
教皇：感谢上帝，我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了（Virgin Maria）. 克林顿（坏笑中）：Sorry，it’s too late.
忘了在哪粘贴来的了~
But the teacher cried 可是老师哭了 The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!" 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。 约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？” “哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
预算超标的小偷
Caught
stealing
A
shoplifter
was
caught
red-handed
trying
to
steal
a
watch
from
a
jewelry
store.
"Listen,"
said
the
shoplifter,
"I
know
you
don't
want
any
trouble
either.
What
do
you
say
I
just
buy
the
watch,
and
we
forget
about
this?"
The
manager
agreed
and
wrote
up
the
sales
slip.
The
crook
looked
at
the
slip
and
said,
"This
is
a
little
more
than
I
intended
to
spend."
一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”
经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点。你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。"
一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？ 监考官回答：right. 于是他立刻向右转。很抱歉他只有下次再来。
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