22分左右
首先开头就不好 第一句几乎照抄 应该要paraphrase E.X：In the future, advanced technology may be available to students who prefer studying at home. It might be efficient to use television or computer as a study tool instead of going to a traditional school. However, it seems to me that....
开头必须有亮点 并且需要给出观点
"one learn better" 没有这样的用法 要么用people can learn better
你很喜欢用one 但这是错误的 要么用people 要么用someone 或 he 指代
“ when there are teachers to teach them”----redundant and awkward！
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